Tonight is the anniversary of Helen’s death. As I enter a new season of joy and peace in my life, it is with mixed emotions. Grief changes, it doesn’t go away. I feel blessed to be where I am, and able to walk with my grief, secure in the knowledge that I am loved. I wrote the following in my journal yesterday.
Two years.
Two years in which I have known anguish, heartache, tears and pain. I have cried out with the Psalmist:
I am weary with my suffering,
every night I flood my bed with tears,
I drench my couch with weeping,
my eyes waste away out of grief,
I grow weak through the weight of oppression.
I cry out to the void:
How long, O God, how long?
I have travelled with grief. At times I have wondered whether I really had the strength to carry on – day in, day out; to put my boots on, shoulder my pack and keep tramping.
Yet now, two years further down the line, I can look back and know that I have kept walking. I haven’t left my load behind.
The tears still come, the pain still lingers. But grief has become a more welcome companion. The load sits easier on my back. And we walk together, side by side. Down this ever new and changing path.
So many others have walked this path with me: stood alongside me, shared my tears, brought companionship, joy and laughter. None have carried my load, but each, carrying their own, has helped me carry mine. Walking together, my road has, with time, become brighter. May I, in turn, walk beside others in their hours of darkness?
Two years, carrying my burden of grief, yet not alone, nor always in the dark. I have come to experience calm. I have found seasons of peace and rest, and ever-increasing moments of joy and hope.
And you, my beloved Helen, you also have been with me. In my cherished memories. Two years of grief cannot take away the beauty of twenty four shared years of love. You remain beside me – sharing the tears and the laughter, sharing the pain and the hope. And now, walking with me into a new season of joy, and beauty, and love.
Thank you.
Beautiful, beautiful words and memories Peter. Snowdrops are always even more precious to me when they arise from the ground because they will always remind me of Helen. As with the snowdrops – a touch of something truly amazing in amongst the cold darkness of winter, bringing the promise of spring – so it was with Helen, always a positive word full of hope and a cheery smile and an offer of help. Thinking of you especially today. God bless you Peter and even though we haven’t seen you since you moved to Coventry you are much loved by us. Di + Rob Self xx
Dear Peter,
Two years to the day. Tears still well in my eyes when I remember Helen with you all those years and your two fantastic off spring. Snowdrops are pushing their way up through the ground around the front of Holy Trinity Church and in our front lawn right now. You have so many special friends Peter. Our hearts, thoughts and prayers are especially with you today.
God bless you, now and always. Thank you for being you – through grief and fellowship.
You are much loved.
Elizabeth
That’s so beautiful….and so precious. Memories and faith interwoven with hope.