Am I ready?

Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well. (John 4: 6)

 

 IMG_1421

Looking back to my journal entry of 7th October, I realise just how tired I had become by the end of last year, and, by contrast, how refreshed I am feeling now:

‘I, too, feel tired from the journey Lord.  Tired from my journey of being a parent; tired from my spiritual journey – of seeking to draw closer to you; tired from the journey of grieving; tired from my work journey – all those years of clinical medicine, child protection, academic work, of being a leader, and of seeking to support others; and tired from the journey of singleness – of being on my own, of coping with all my mixed emotions.’

Now after nearly three months’ break, I do feel refreshed.  I so appreciate the opportunity I have had to sit by the well here at Ngatiawa; to receive the hospitality of these strangers who have become my friends; to rest and be refreshed.

And, above all, I am so grateful for the blessing Lois has brought to my life – a companion to share the journey with, someone to lean on when I am tired and weary, and a soul mate for me, in turn, to support and to cherish out of my own weakness and vulnerability.

 

Am I ready to go back?

Yes, I think I am.  I am looking forward to returning to Coventry, to being with Esther and Joe.  I am looking forward to seeing again my family and friends; to being at home – creating, afresh, a ‘new’ home with Lois; to being a part, once again, of my family at Holy Trinity.

As I wrote that in my journal this morning, I started to write, ‘And I am looking forward, too, to starting back at work.’  And I was brought up short.

Am I?    Am I really ready for that?  What will it mean?  What will it look like?  Where will it lead?

I love my work – I find it inspiring, energising, challenging, rewarding.  I feel privileged to be able to do the work I do and that I so love – to play with children on the floor of my clinic; to receive the smiles and hand holds of disabled young people; to sit with parents in their struggles and grief.  I love the interaction I get with students from all sorts of backgrounds; the mental challenge of writing a paper; the joy of discovery in a new research project; the intensity of working on a child protection legal report.

And yet, I know it has drained me and will do so again.

Am I truly ready?